Not
Relating Together?
©
Narelle Stratford 2008
We
tend to think that a relationship is "something". Just
like a basket is "something that holds other things", we think
of relationships as though they are an object.
This
is part of the reason that relationships can be so tricky. You
see, we can't hold a relationship in our hands, yet we can throw a
relationship in the bin. We can't always figure out what makes a
relationship a relationship, but we usually know when we want to fix it
or ditch it!
Is
your relationship broken?
Sometimes,
we don't even recognise that the relationship is broken as we just drift
along. Or, we know when it is broken, when the relationship was
severed, or split up or terminated, and sometimes we know why it has
broken down or split up, but most often, we don't know what to do to fix
"the relationship".
We
think, if I could just go back to the beginning....
We
think, if he would just change...
We
think, if she would just do this...
And
often we spend too much time thinking and analysing, instead of doing
and being.
In
the beginning, there was wonder....
"Aah,"
I hear you say, "and it was wonderful."
All
that chemistry and magic and laughter and special moments that connected
you together...
Perhaps
you were more involved in the doing and being of the experience than
thinking about the relationship... And when you did think, you
imagined the best that was to come.
But
now if your relationship isn't what it was...
now you can feel the struggle, there's no lightness inside you, no joy
in your heart and recalling what used to be light hearted and joyous is
hard to do.
What
went wrong?
I
am guessing, but most relationships break down because trust is broken
by one or both parties.
Trust
and what it implies, is another one of those words that you can't hold
in your hands, because it's not an object. Yet trust in a
relationship and no matter whether that relationship is between a
husband and wife, a couple, an employer or employee, a brother and
sister, or two brothers, (and so on) is like holding someone's heart in
your hands.
If
your heart isn't handled gently, you get hurt.
If
your heart isn't emotionally handled gently, you get hurt.
If
your heart isn't handled gently by head, hands and heart, you get hurt.
Trust
- it's super important in a relationship
This
is the breakdown of trust. Once trust begins to be eroded, it
is quite hard to recapture, although it can be done if there is
sufficient desire by both parties.
How
does one demonstrate that they are not trustworthy?
Through
lies, deceitfulness - such as hiding things, words that are hurtful and
attacking, physical violence, emotional manipulation, frustration and
anger.
Think
of the words used, plus tone of voice and body language. Over
time, sarcasm and negativity will bring many people to their knees, it's
like watching someone emotionally die before your eyes...
What
actions do you take that breach the trust between you? There are
so many, and often the partner just accepts the behaviour (or
doesn't know about it) instead of addressing it.
How
do you show your love?
How
can you show love, which builds trust? Through spending time
together, activities, words, work and play, and sometimes gifts.
How
to tell someone? With words, poetry, songs.
Never
underestimate the power of love in your voice to empower someone to be
bigger and better than they could have been before...
Learn
to let go for good if need be..
What
if we weren't meant to be together for a lifetime? What if we
made a mistake? Should you stay in the relationship, unhappy, for
the sake of your children? What will your children learn about
relationships by modelling you and your relationship?
If
you have stopped relating, then stop agonising, stop drifting, stop
being in a rut (because the only difference between a rut and a grave is
that the ends are kicked in) and let go.
Call
it quits nicely and cleanly and know that it is okay to do so. It
means that you stop hurting each other covertly or overtly. This
will allow you to live and breathe freely and fully when you just let go
of a relationship that is past its use-by date, and accept that its okay
to do so.
Remember,
there is no place so lonely as a relationship that is not
working... If you are lonely in a relationship then get out of the
comfort rut and do something to help you both.
If
you need help to commence, repair, or let go of a relationship, do give
me a call.
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