Domestic
Violence
©
by Narelle Stratford
Many
people are under the impression that domestic violence is something that
only involves physical violence, and that it is something that happens
to other people, not them. Nothing could be further from the
truth...
Domestic
violence occurs between male and female partners, and also in homosexual
or lesbian partnerships. It occurs in wealthy families and in poor
families. It is not always the male who is the aggressor, it can
also be the female who commits domestic violence in a male - female
relationship.
You
can also be a victim of domestic violence through witnessing abuse
inflicted on others.
"Domestic
violence exists in a relationship when an individual uses any form of
behaviour to control or maintain power and authority over their
partner. This control or imbalance of power may be exerted either
physically, sexually, emotionally or financially." (Domestic
violence resource Service brochure)
-
 Emotional
or Psychological abuse such as: causing emotional distress, paranoia
and fear through spoken words, or implied actions, or threats of
abuse. For example, being put down, threatened or intimidated,
your life being threatened, or how easy it is to make someone disappear; or,
someone making a gun shape
out of hands and using a point and fire action at you. Perhaps
you are isolated from friends or family, or not allowed to eat
certain foods, or to go out?
-
Physical
Abuse such as being beaten or assaulted through hitting, punching,
cutting, belting, with fists or objects.
-
Sexual
abuse
-
Financial
Abuse - being kept short of money, having the odometer of the car
monitored and having to explain every kilometre you've driven, not
being allowed to make buying decisions
Domestic
violence often occurs in cycles or patterns as described below.
BUILD-UP
PHASE
Arguments
may look imminent, friction mounts, and tension keeps building up as the
aggressor feels the need to exert power and control over someone
else. Little things become big things, and usually the victim
spends a lot of time trying to make sure that everything is perfect for
his or her partner.
STAND-OVER
PHASE
This
phase sees the aggressor or perpetrator of violence use Control and Fear
tactics against his or her partner in an attempt to control their
partner, either for the sake of power or to feel more in control inside
because they have controlled something on the outside.
EXPLOSION
At
this point, the aggressor explodes and violence may occur.
Sometimes,
the victim of the abuse will trigger the other party by goading or doing
something that they know will annoy the aggressor, because they cannot
stand the build-up of tension any longer.
REMORSE
PHASE
During
the remorse phase, the aggressor minimizes their behaviour, "It
wasn't that bad, it was just a touch", justifies their actions
"you shouldn't have made me do it. It was your fault - if you
were better at.. then it wouldn't have happened" and shows remorse
by saying how sorry they are and how guilty they feel.
This
period of time is extremely difficult for the victim who may be torn
between loving their partner and wanting to be safe and get away,
and also feels guilty for their supposed causing of the explosion.
PURSUIT
PHASE
When
everything has died down a little, the pursuit - the chase occurs as the
aggressor uses promises "It will never happen again", threats
of despair, or threats of pursuit, and helplessness "I can't
survive without you", to pursue their partner and get them to stay.
HONEYMOON
PHASE
When
this works, we enter the Honeymoon Phase. The victim may
receive gifts, sweet words and tenderness as you both fall in love again
and deny all the ugliness that has occurred. Everything is wonderful and you are both so in love, besotted with each
other. There is denial of previous difficulties, and it is as though you
enmeshed, as one.
Gradually
though, the lust and love wears thin as you re-enter the Build-up Phase
and off you go again.
It
often amazes me as to the extent that people will put up with things,
and not only that, how often the cycles get repeated not just in one
relationship but in subsequent relationships.
The
longer the cycle continues, the harder it is to break the cycle.
Both
parties need help, because both have developed behavioural patterns and
poor self-worth or self-esteem that keep them locked into the situation.
If
you or someone you know is caught in this cycle, seek help as fast as
possible whether from myself or Domestic Violence Resource Services.
Ph
07 3040 2322 and book in
Master's
Wisdom!
"I
don't like holidays... I miss her"
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